My husband and I have been discussing adoption.
Last night I was up late kinda sorta thinking about it, I popped on to the web to start
looking up the processes.
I come across profiles of older children looking to be adopted.
I find a young lad I used to babysit. Seems his father gave him away and nobody wants him.
I cried so hard. The kid was always high energy but he's a kid, what kid isn't high energy? lol
So... I inquired about him. Am I crazy to do this? I never saw this in my future but....
I just fell to pieces when I saw him there, he was always a great kid, rambunctious but a great kid and I really want to help him.
I hope I can do something.
Why do I have to pay more for organic food when they do less to it?
Same goes for local..
Why do I pay more for local food when it cost less to get it to me?
I need answers!!
I have got 220 friends and family members on Facebook.
On Monday, I got fed up with this feeling of trying to feel closer to people who may or may not be close with me as well. The illusion is that are but, is that only the facebook feed tricking me into feeling closer to people who don't even notice me.
So ... I announced that I would be deleting my account for school purposes.
About 25 of my Facebook friends have my number so they wouldn't need to ask or enquire.
Out of the remaining 195 people,
10 asked for my number.
(I left my account open for approx 24 hours past the point of the original post.)
I then deleted.
It has been 5 days.
3 friends have texted with me of their own accord.
I have initiated text conversation with 4 more 'friends', 3 were responsive but short conversations and 1 was non-responsive.
2 of them asked to do stuff with me.
I have to figure that 10% of them don't know how to use Facebook and another 10% are likely offended because they think I blocked them. (hahaha)
Another 25% likely have not noticed I'm even gone yet.
So 45% of my Family and Friends I expect to not notice my absence.
Which leaves 65% of the list.
I have communicated with Approx. 16 people from my Facebook account in the real world since the deletion.
So that leaves approx. 76 people in my life who take up friend space but really contribute nothing good to my life.
There has been a lot of chatter about feminism lately.
And let me first say I come from a family with a total of about 30 women.
Aunts and cousins, sisters and nieces.
We don't look for a man to open the jar of pickles ..(there are none! j/k 6 max)
We get a knife and tap four sides of the lid. Then twist.
In short... I'm not stupid or weak and I don't come from a line of women who are.
Strange thing.. My father raised me as a single father. (Mind you we lived with my Grandmother and Great Aunt. ;) )
That being said..
I don't like to do the dishes, I'm a horrible cook and I'm not obsessed with makeup or dresses. I enjoy my day job as an event planner and I like going to work.
I'm just a regular chick.
So... when I say I'm not a feminist I'm not discounting all the crazy things that the women have done before me to give the right to a fair wage and vote and have a voice in anything. Fact is, in some cases, I may not even be writing to you today if it had not been for some of the sacrifices that women have made in the name of Feminism. For that, I am wholeheartedly grateful.
But..... I'm still not a feminist.
Through the cat calls and the making of some strange man's sandwich on the internet
I'm still not a feminist.
I feel like feminism today is not standing for the same things as it did back then.
Today, it seems, more and more like it's an extreme reaction to an unfair scenario.
And... almost the opposite of misogynists at the point.
I'm all for girl power.. Just not when it's being taken at the cost of the other gender.
I'm for equality across the board. I just don't believe that Feminism stands for that anymore.
“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
I decided this year that I am going to take life by storm.
So far ...
Got a new job, working on some side projects, This are good. :)
I'm not gonna ride too high on this .. because what goes up must come down but... A tiny whooohoo never hurt anyone. :)
I had my dog for almost 15 years.
Molson Canadian was his name. I had to put him down on Monday May 27th.
It's funny how an animal can become such a part of us.
My dog.. My fur baby.. My best friend.
He kept me safe from strangers that meant to do me harm.. He kept me warm.. He was there for me when I cried.
I begged him all this week to send me a sign from the other side. To come back and haunt me if he could.
soooo that being said.... Let me begin this story....
My daughter walks dogs in the neighbourhood for spare cash.
She left the house to go walk the dogs. Me.. getting some time alone figured it would be the best
time to release some tears for molson. I miss him an awful lot! So.. I'm crying and the front door opens.
It's a black dog!! (Molson was black) My daughter is trailing behind him. She says "I found him running around in the street!" and she leaves... I am completely flabbergasted!!.. I get Molson's leash and I head outside to find the owners. (a daunting task that in the past I have had a talent for!!)
I say out loud to the dog.. "I wish you could tell me your name?" and off we go outside.
(I walked the dog for about 30 mins at this point, he was shimmering in the sun and well behaved and just a great dog to walk.)
I find some kids playing street hockey. I approach some of the kids and ask them if they know the owners of the dog. One kid pipes up.. and says "that's my dog!!" I say "oh good..here you go" and I hand the dog over. He says "Come on Molson." !!!!
He said it so non-challantly .. It stopped me dead in my tracks as I was leaving.
I immediately turn and ask the kid "what is your dogs name??"
He repeats himself "MOLSON"..
My Jaw hit the ground. He says thanks so much for finding him.. and runs off.
Take what you want from this story,... every word of it is true.
Best dog ever!! I love ya Molson!! Thank you!!
Yesterday life exploded..
Good things,... all good things.....? ?
Sold my Jeep for what I was asking.. So quick.. Right before May long weekend too!!
I couldn't have picked a better time to sell her.
Hubby got a raise at work.. whoohoo
I have a bit more work to do but I also got a raise.. whoohoo
The kid is finally riding her bike.. whoohoo for bike rides all summer long!!
I finally had a day where someone wasn't harrassing me..
I recently drew a very fine line for some "friends" who like to yell at me and call me names.
Once the line was drawn.. They left.
Life seems to be slipping back into some kind of working machine..
No drama.. Just me and my small family working together to stay alive and stay comfy.
ahhhh today is a good day :)
Love is such a con..
Half the people in the whole world have never experienced real love..
Society has everyone chasing it around like it's the holy grail.
If they don't get it the way they percieve they should get it some people even kill themselves over it.
Like your favorite picture. Hang it on a wall and take it down when you wanna inspect it.
I wonder what a picture would say if it could talk.
Would it speak on love?
What about loving yourself? Why is it that when self love is present, everyone else freaks out?
Love is good, love is bad.. and in the words of Lily Tomlin
'If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
I've been bullied my whole life.
I swear I was born into the role.
One day my Father said to me "Stand up to them"
That very day the biggest badest jerkiest dude in my school came up to me for my daily bullying..
He started in, I just stared at him. He towered over me and I honestly thought I was getting a punch in the face.
I was 10 years old at the time. Then,... my Dad's words ran in my head.. "Stand up to them!"
I got a little taller and picked my head up and said... (lol) "My dad told me to stand up to you"
The Bully just stopped... I will never forget the look on his face.. He was stunned. Such a simple phrase
had just stopped him in his tracks!!
HA! He stopped picking on me forever after that... Maybe it was the threat of my Father who was a 6ft,...250lbs, a solid man, which is most likely the case.. But.... maybe it was me... My confidence... After all the Bully had no idea what my father looked like.. Either way it worked!!
Fast Forward a bit... I'm about 12 years old now...
My last name is a bit of a joke.. I will not use my real last name but let's say for fun that my last name is "Facehair" .. LOL...
A bigger girl who was my friend in my class was rubbing on my face chasing me around the school.. Laughing at me as she kept touching me in the face and repeating my last name and there was nothing I could do about it cuz I was smaller.
I don't know what it was... I think it was this moment that my life changed.
Before I knew it she was on the ground and I was running for the school bus.. OMG what did I do!!
I hauled off and punched her in the gut as hard I could have.. I must have knocked the wind out of her cuz she was down!!! I had never hit anyone.. I had been hit loads at this point but I had never hit back.
I went to school the next day.. She never bothered me again.
My dad had me take martial arts at that point... Then women's self defence.. Then kickboxing (which I hated)!!
The next major bully moment in my life came when a man was following me on the road flashing his brights at me. I had just bought a new jeep and was driving it home.. One of my headlights was set a bit to high and this man had assumed that I was flashing my brights at him late at night on the parkway.
He got behind me and followed me for what seemed like forever.. We finally hit a light where he had to pull up next to me... He unrolled his window and started yelling profanity at me.. I tried to explain that It was a new vehicle for me and that the light was a bit high.. But the man was so unreasonable by then that he couldn't hear what I was saying... He kept yelling at me and yelling at me and yelling at me (how long is this light??)
Finally... I snapped.. I said.. "Why don't you go home and yell at your wife like that!" OMG hahaha I have no idea where it came from!!! He put his fancy car into to gear and tried to drive away on a STILL red light... Then he slammed on his brakes when he notice the light was red still!! I howled ... My laughter echoed throughout the intersection (topless jeep) ..
Which brings us up to now..
I still have bullies in my life.. AND.. I still stand up to them.. I still try my hardest to be kind.. But .. We all have to stand up for ourselves sometimes.
The bullies don't bother my soul anymore.. I see past the abuse and them trying to bash my confidence...
Confidence is scary to a Bully. It means you are going places and they are not.. They are forever stuck acting like a bully.. It's all they have.. It's all they will ever have. It's all they will ever be. No matter what possesions or material weath they have aquired... They will never amount to anything else but a bully.
so .... Are those the kind of people that you are going to let crumble you now??
Bullies are a dime a dozen.. The people they harrass are truely the unique and beautiful souls..
People who need to (in the immortal words of my father) "Stand up for yourselves !!"
Do it proudly!
I grind my teeth from stress.. everynight.
I have a splint that I wear but I hate it,.. so... some nights I do not wear it.
My Molars have cracked under the pressure of my grinding.
Yesterday at the dentists..
He drilled my tooth before it was completely frozen.. I had to stop him so he could freeze me some more. He had to freeze me 5 times before my I couldn't feel my face.
URG... He says I'm different than everyone else.. LOL.. While I appreciate that.. It doesn't help me much at the dentists.
Today.. My face hurts soo much.. The back of my jaw is just humming in pain from where he had to stick the 5 needles.
The tooth still hurts when I bite down.. URG! I can't eat on one half of my mouth.. and I gotta go back in two weeks for the cap.
Upside to all this... A gold smile?? Ma first grill? hahahaha
For now.. my face is throbbing like the bass at a really loud concert.
I'm also the type who refuses pain killers.. NO PAIN - NO GAIN... RAWR (flex)
However... today... If I had any.. I would take one. Just to dull this ache. owwww cry
It just occured to me that I start school again in 10 days!!
I took a break after Mom died but.. it's been 5 months.
Time to get back on the horse.
I'm big into the saying.. "when life knocks you down, you get back up again."
Another saying lately that has been getting me threw life (I have twisted it to suit myself) is
"If you can't join em... beat em."
LOL! For anyone who has ever been purposefully excluded .. You will love that.. say it out loud, just one time.
My cousin says.. "when life knocks you down, lay there, take a nap."
I laughed so hard when she told me that... I took her advice.. But .. a 5 month nap is long enough.
Nothing is perfect... But every once in a while for a brief fleeting moment... It's good. :)
Woke up with pleurisy pains this morning.. I must be getting sick..
I'm kinda burnt out... Between work, kids, hubby, school starting again next week and everything else life has thrown at me in the past couple months... I need some rest. I "WAS" fnally having a solid sleep when I guess I just turned the wrong way and that was it... I couldn't breathe... sharp pains when I inhale.. and now I'm up. The pains have gone but it's been awhile since I had an episode of pleurisy!!
I was reading that it left untreated that it could cause VT... which I already have..
I'm very dissapointed with money grubbing doctors right now...
Where are the good guys?? The docs who want to heal?? Not the docs that are interested in a heavy paycheque..
I'm trying to be more positive lately..
I'm understanding that I am not alone in feeling these ways and truely this has brought me comfort.
There are so many stories and words jumbled up in my head..
I will get them out.. for good or bad
My mood: a bit awake
No better than yesterday... Crying and incapable of movement..
lackluster in life, general blah feeling...
He works so much ... more than 8 hrs a day.. sometimes 11 a day... I try to wait up for him..
but then i can't sleep after he gets home, then i can't wake up to get the kid to school.
depression is making me fail at life.. I'm stuck in a round a bout rountine of my own design.
I do try to get out and over it. Yet .. I fall... and just when i think Im there in that mystical happy place of even emotions
Life tells me I don't belong there.. and I am back here in blackness sadness land.
My red hair is faded and the grey is showing through.. Maybe I should Dye it black to match my mood.
My mood: a bit wanderlusty
I should just let it all out... The days events...
Today he left for work at 1230pm.. I won't see him until 11pm.. lesigh
he left me sleep in and took the kid to school.. I slept for what seemed like forever.. That was nice of him.
I dreamt of Mom lastnight.. She hugged me and told me that there was no time to explain.
It made me feel ok..I guess...
Took an ativan to calm myself... I haven't really been eating .. Like at all..
Food seems to disgust me lately...
She came home .. We had a talk about her eating habits which have ben awful and now she is out playing
with friends. I want to be closer with her and she wants to be closer with me... But she must have a childhood..
I've asked her to write down some fun stuff she wants us to do together.. Looking forward to seeing her list.
Talked to Nanny for an hour or so... I miss her... and I will miss her when she is gone. She is all I have now as far as a parental figure goes sooo I have to treat her right.
Still no word from sister.. I miss her too... I wish she was a more honest person. I wish she could trust me.
I wish I could trust her.. She can trust me... I just want to be there for her.
Seems like another day in paradise... I can't wait to sleep and wake to a new tomorrow.. Hopefully a better one.
Never seems to come.. but maybe tomorrow...
My mood: a bit wanderlusty
Previous Postsbrain no worky, so upset!, posted March 27th, 2015, 1 comment
Organic, posted March 26th, 2015
Social Experiment via Facebook, posted March 7th, 2015
Why I'm NOT a Feminist, posted December 31st, 2014
It's working!!, posted February 4th, 2014
Gather round the fire!! GHOST STORY TIME!, posted May 30th, 2013
Life explosion, posted May 8th, 2013
Love love love?, posted May 5th, 2013
Bullies, posted May 4th, 2013
The Dentist, posted May 1st, 2013, 2 comments
School school school, posted April 29th, 2013
Pleurisy UGH!!!, posted April 28th, 2013
Positive, posted March 8th, 2013
Today, posted February 6th, 2013
I should, posted February 5th, 2013
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