anonymizz's Blog

Mine drives me absolutely crazy!!  LOL

I love her so much but she is just constantly lashing out at me.  

OH LORD!!  my patience is truely tested.  

Please give me the strength to keep my composure while she is beraiding me about my poor life choices
while she makes the same choices.

Please give me the strength to endure this.  I know it's the shock from mom passing away.

She thinks I sound fake but the truth is I studder when i get upset and I can not organize my thoughts well sometimes.
(how can she not know this about me)  So I have to clear my mind and start from the beginning and work really
hard to explin myself properly.  She just hates me.   BUt why??  Because I am strong I think.  Our personalities clash at this point.  I have zero link with material wealth.  I like things like the smell of the wind and she likes punk rock and telling people off.  We've all been there.  I'm just past that point in my life.

I really think MOM left it this way on purpose.. like her final fucked up game .
Mom put a bunch of crappy crap about me in all her journals ...  and now Sister (who got everything including about $60000 in cash) is taking all of the journaled abuse I endured as a child and using it against me in arguments and in life.

She is mad if i breathe it seems.. she got her money and now she's too good for me.
She is growing up to be exactly like Mom.  Her words are even starting to sting like Mom's did.
She's paranoid too. 
With a low head I walk away.. It's my only choice from her and too me at this point.  Not the one I would choose for us.  But..  My hands are tied.  

So complex..

Yesterday life exploded..

Good things,... all good things.....?  ?  

Sold my Jeep for what I was asking..  So quick..  Right before May long weekend too!!
I couldn't have picked a better time to sell her.

ahhh

Hubby got a raise at work.. whoohoo

I have a bit more work to do but I also got a raise.. whoohoo

The kid is finally riding her bike..  whoohoo for bike rides all summer long!!

I finally had a day where someone wasn't harrassing me..  
I recently drew a very fine line for some "friends" who like to yell at me and call me names.
Once the line was drawn.. They left.  
AMAZING!!

Life seems to be slipping back into some kind of working machine..

No drama.. Just me and my small family working together to stay alive and stay comfy.

ahhhh today is a good day :)

Love is such a con..

Half the people in the whole world have never experienced real love.. 
Society has everyone chasing it around like it's the holy grail.
If they don't get it the way they percieve they should get it some people even kill themselves over it.
Ahhh L'amour

Like your favorite picture.  Hang it on a wall and take it down when you wanna inspect it.  

I wonder what a picture would say if it could talk.

Would it speak on love?  

What about loving yourself?   Why is it that when self love is present, everyone else freaks out?

Love is good, love is bad.. and in the words of Lily Tomlin

'If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

I've been bullied my whole life.

I swear I was born into the role.

One day my Father said to me "Stand up to them"

That very day the biggest badest jerkiest dude in my school came up to me for my daily bullying..
He started in,  I just stared at him.  He towered over me and I honestly thought I was getting a punch in the face.
I was 10 years old at the time.  Then,... my Dad's words ran in my head..  "Stand up to them!"
I got a little taller and picked my head up and said... (lol) "My dad told me to stand up to you"
The Bully just stopped...  I will never forget the look on his face.. He was stunned.  Such a simple phrase 
had just stopped him in his tracks!!
HA!  He stopped picking on me forever after that... Maybe it was the threat of my Father who was a 6ft,...250lbs, a solid man, which is most likely the case.. But.... maybe it was me... My confidence...  After all the Bully had no idea what my father looked like..  Either way it worked!!

Fast Forward a bit... I'm about 12 years old now...
My last name is a bit of a joke.. I will not use my real last name but let's say for fun that my last name is "Facehair"  ..  LOL... 
A bigger girl who was my friend in my class was rubbing on my face chasing me around the school.. Laughing at me as she kept touching me in the face and repeating my last name and there was nothing I could do about it cuz I was smaller.  
I don't know what it was... I think it was this moment that my life changed.
Before I knew it she was on the ground and I was running for the school bus..  OMG what did I do!!
I hauled off and punched her in the gut as hard I could have.. I must have knocked the wind out of her cuz she was down!!!  I had never hit anyone.. I had been hit loads at this point but I had never hit back.  
I went to school the next day..  She never bothered me again.
My dad had me take martial arts at that point... Then women's self defence.. Then kickboxing (which I hated)!!

The next major bully moment in my life came when a man was following me on the road flashing his brights at me.  I had just bought a new jeep and was driving it home..  One of my headlights was set a bit to high and this man had assumed that I was flashing my brights at him late at night on the parkway.
He got behind me and followed me for what seemed like forever.. We finally hit a light where he had to pull up next to me...  He unrolled his window and started yelling profanity at me.. I tried to explain that It was a new vehicle for me and that the light was a bit high.. But the man was so unreasonable by then that he couldn't hear what I was saying...  He kept yelling at me and yelling at me and yelling at me (how long is this light??)
Finally...  I snapped..  I said..  "Why don't you go home and yell at your wife like that!"  OMG hahaha I have no idea where it came from!!!   He put his fancy car into to gear and tried to drive away on a STILL red light...  Then he slammed on his brakes when he notice the light was red still!!  I howled ... My laughter echoed throughout the intersection (topless jeep) ..

Which brings us up to now.. 
I still have bullies in my life.. AND.. I still stand up to them.. I still try my hardest to be kind.. But .. We all have to stand up for ourselves sometimes.
The bullies don't bother my soul anymore.. I see past the abuse and them trying to bash my confidence...

Confidence is scary to a Bully.  It means you are going places and they are not.. They are forever stuck acting like a bully.. It's all they have.. It's all they will ever have.  It's all they will ever be.  No matter what possesions or material weath they have aquired... They will never amount to anything else but a bully.

so .... Are those the kind of people that you are going to let crumble you now??
Bullies are a dime a dozen.. The people they harrass are truely the unique and beautiful souls..

People who need to (in the immortal words of my father)  "Stand up for yourselves !!"

Do it proudly!

I grind my teeth from stress.. everynight.

I have a splint that I wear but I hate it,.. so... some nights I do not wear it.

My Molars have cracked under the pressure of my grinding.

Yesterday at the dentists..  

He drilled my tooth before it was completely frozen..  I had to stop him so he could freeze me some more.  He had to freeze me 5 times before my I couldn't feel my face.

URG...  He says I'm different than everyone else..  LOL.. While I appreciate that.. It doesn't help me much at the dentists.

Today.. My face hurts soo much..  The back of my jaw is just humming in pain from where he had to stick the 5 needles.

The tooth still hurts when I bite down..  URG!  I can't eat on one half of my mouth..  and I gotta go back in two weeks for the cap.  

Upside to all this...  A gold smile??  Ma first grill?  hahahaha

For now.. my face is throbbing like the bass at a really loud concert.  
I'm also the type who refuses pain killers..  NO PAIN - NO GAIN... RAWR (flex)


However... today... If I had any.. I would take one.  Just to dull this ache.  owwww cry

It just occured to me that I start school again in 10 days!!

AHHHHHHHH!


I took a break after Mom died but.. it's been 5 months.


Time to get back on the horse.

I'm big into the saying.. "when life knocks you down, you get back up again."

Another saying lately that has been getting me threw life (I have twisted it to suit myself) is

"If you can't join em... beat em."

LOL!  For anyone who has ever been purposefully excluded .. You will love that.. say it out loud, just one time.

My cousin says.. "when life knocks you down, lay there, take a nap."  
I laughed so hard when she told me that...  I took her advice.. But .. a 5 month nap is long enough.

Nothing is perfect... But every once in a while for a brief fleeting moment... It's good.  :)

That's today.

Ugh..

Woke up with pleurisy pains this morning..  I must be getting sick..  

I'm kinda burnt out... Between work, kids, hubby, school starting again next week and everything else life has thrown at me in the past couple months...  I need some rest.  I "WAS" fnally having a solid sleep when I guess I just turned the wrong way and that was it...  I couldn't breathe... sharp pains when I inhale.. and now I'm up.  The pains have gone  but it's been awhile since I had an episode of pleurisy!!  
I was reading that it left untreated that it could cause VT... which I already have..

LIGHTBULB!

I'm very dissapointed with money grubbing doctors right now...

Where are the good guys??  The docs who want to heal??  Not the docs that are interested in a heavy paycheque..

Deleted my facebook account this week  

I hate facebook... It makes people sad and crazy it seems.

A great tool to get your message out but .. too many bullies and jerks..


I like being away from it all...  I like not being involved in the drama..  I like that I removed myself from it.

You know....   if they were really worried they would call me.  250+ people on my list about 10 of them called to see if
I was ok.

Kinda puts things into perspective.

My cousin deleted her account at the same time and my sister accused me of roping her into my side of things...  I didn't do that but she always assumes the worst of me..
I thought it was kinda funny that my cousin deleted at the same time as me.  We just think alike I guess..  

Soo..  letter after letter from my sister about how much I suck and what an awful person I am..

I take it all with a grain of salt..  She is off her rocker since mom died.  She drained mom's account.  She took everything of Mom's and even kept all the money.  She's has been supremely dishonest in a time when I needed her to be honest.  She doesn't care.
So she's sending me nasty messages from Hawaii right now ..  LMAO...    I get the bills and she gets the money..  Well when she gets home from Hawaii.. she is gonna have a stack on bills forwarded to her house.

And she'll freak out about that too,.. but if she gets all the money then she also gets all the bills too.

I'm trying to be more positive lately..

I'm understanding that I am not alone in feeling these ways and truely this has brought me comfort.

There are so many stories and words jumbled up in my head..

I will get them out.. for good or bad

eventually.  :)

No better than yesterday... Crying and incapable of movement..  

lackluster in life, general blah feeling... 

He works so much ... more than 8 hrs a day.. sometimes 11 a day... I try to wait up for him..
but then i can't sleep after he gets home, then i can't wake up to get the kid to school.

depression is making me fail at life.. I'm stuck in a round a bout rountine of my own design.

I do try to get out and over it.  Yet .. I fall... and just when i think Im there in that mystical happy place of even emotions
Life tells me I don't belong there.. and I am back here in blackness sadness land.

My red hair is faded and the grey is showing through.. Maybe I should Dye it black to match my mood.

I should just let it all out... The days events...

Today he left for work at 1230pm.. I won't see him until 11pm.. lesigh
he left me sleep in and took the kid to school.. I slept for what seemed like forever.. That was nice of him.
I dreamt of Mom lastnight.. She hugged me and told me that there was no time to explain.
It made me feel ok..I guess...

Took an ativan to calm myself...  I haven't really been eating .. Like at all..  
Food seems to disgust me lately...  

She came home .. We had a talk about her eating habits which have ben awful and now she is out playing 
with friends.  I want to be closer with her and she wants to be closer with me...  But she must have a childhood..
I've asked her to write down some fun stuff she wants us to do together..  Looking forward to seeing her list.

Talked to Nanny for an hour or so... I miss her... and I will miss her when she is gone.  She is all I have now as far as a parental figure goes sooo I have to treat her right.  

Still no word from sister.. I miss her too... I wish she was a more honest person.  I wish she could trust me.
I wish I could trust her..  She can trust me...  I just want to be there for her.  

Seems like another day in paradise...  I can't wait to sleep and wake to a new tomorrow.. Hopefully a better one.
Never seems to come.. but maybe tomorrow...